With every day seeming to bring more bad news for the Roman Catholic Church, amidst failing confidence, falling attendance and collapsing revenues, I think the Vatican needs to take a deep breath and go for a complete rebranding exercise. Here are my suggestions in simple steps.
I A change of name from the traditional European based ‘Church of Rome’. Something shorter and punchier like ‘The Cathies’
II The Pope is out of touch, out of date and seems to have some connection with this child molestation business which, innocent or guilty, he can’t shake off. The traditional way of getting rid of a bad pope has been for one of the faithful to put a pillow over his head while he is sleeping, then announcing it as a heart attack. The old boy is in his eighties and has had a good run.
III The new pope should be from outside the traditional papabili. An obvious example would be South America, where a large number of the faithful live, but I favour China. Given that Chinese cardinals are made in pectore or secretly it could be pretty well anyone, for example the head of the Chinese branch of the public relations company I intend to set up.
IV The arrival of the new pope would be accompanied by the greatest evangelical push since the Third Crusade. Like the crusades this would be the subject of co-financing from outside the Church, western industry chipping in to create a little religious and civil unrest, helping take Chinese workers’ minds off the job of competing with our car industry.
Hollywood chips in with a blockbuster biopic of an early Chinese saint martyred by the evil Mandarin regime. Starring Blad Pitt wearing a silly beard (oh? You say he has got one already?) it screens all over China and generates a deep and occasionally explosive religious fervour
V The Chinese Pope, or Chope, would announce that all paedophilia had now ceased and that anything which in the future looks suspect is merely a secret initiation rite.
VI The astonishing cashflow generated by evangelising upwards of a billion people who bring a couple of yuan to church every Sunday could be used to fund a more traditional religious body, based, for example, in its own state in a Mediterranean country. For a while, like the late Roman Empire, the Church would have two heads, eventually reducing to only one.
VII My own fees are modest: plenary indulgence and the keys to the Vatican wine cellar.
I A change of name from the traditional European based ‘Church of Rome’. Something shorter and punchier like ‘The Cathies’
II The Pope is out of touch, out of date and seems to have some connection with this child molestation business which, innocent or guilty, he can’t shake off. The traditional way of getting rid of a bad pope has been for one of the faithful to put a pillow over his head while he is sleeping, then announcing it as a heart attack. The old boy is in his eighties and has had a good run.
III The new pope should be from outside the traditional papabili. An obvious example would be South America, where a large number of the faithful live, but I favour China. Given that Chinese cardinals are made in pectore or secretly it could be pretty well anyone, for example the head of the Chinese branch of the public relations company I intend to set up.
IV The arrival of the new pope would be accompanied by the greatest evangelical push since the Third Crusade. Like the crusades this would be the subject of co-financing from outside the Church, western industry chipping in to create a little religious and civil unrest, helping take Chinese workers’ minds off the job of competing with our car industry.
Hollywood chips in with a blockbuster biopic of an early Chinese saint martyred by the evil Mandarin regime. Starring Blad Pitt wearing a silly beard (oh? You say he has got one already?) it screens all over China and generates a deep and occasionally explosive religious fervour
V The Chinese Pope, or Chope, would announce that all paedophilia had now ceased and that anything which in the future looks suspect is merely a secret initiation rite.
VI The astonishing cashflow generated by evangelising upwards of a billion people who bring a couple of yuan to church every Sunday could be used to fund a more traditional religious body, based, for example, in its own state in a Mediterranean country. For a while, like the late Roman Empire, the Church would have two heads, eventually reducing to only one.
VII My own fees are modest: plenary indulgence and the keys to the Vatican wine cellar.
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