Holidaying in Italy

The tourist season is upon us and I am pleased to offer my guide to holidaying in one of the world's great tourist destinations..


Internet Access. Don’t be daft. Did the Emperor Tiberius have the internet? Did Bernini have WiFi access? This is Italy, not South Korea.

Everyone knows when the public holidays are, so there’s no need to publicise them. Everyone, that is, except you.

Italians do not work during August, which starts on July 15th and ends on September 15th.

Why would a restaurant open during the holiday period if the favoured customers are away?

Churches, shops and supermarkets close for lunch, usually between 1pm and 5pm. During this period have lunch yourself; if you can’t eat for four hours, do your best.

Your restaurant may have dispensed with the menu and the waiter will deliver a list of what is available in a broad Pugliese dialect. This is a test of courage designed for foreigners. Simply at some stage raise your finger and you will get whatever was where his monologue stopped. It is the best way to enjoy sheep’s intestines, which you would not otherwise have ordered.

Don’t expect to receive the same food as the regular customers.

Just because the hotel says it is air conditioned doesn’t mean they are prepared to turn it on. It's only 35C, for Heaven's sake, still cool.

You enjoy swimming. Italians enjoy posing by the pool in skimpy trunks and sunglasses and occasionally jumping in to splash you. Try to fit in.

Do not have your photograph taken with a gladiator outside the Colosseum or have your portrait done in the Piazza Navona. Both will leave you severely out of pocket and your friends will laugh.

Always eat some distance from the main tourist points, unless you are doing a survey on imaginative food pricing.

Never ask a policeman for directions. They are all from South of Naples.

It is a criminal offence both to buy and to sell fake watches, handbags etc. You are easier to arrest than a wiry Senegalese sprinter.

If you wear shorts, eat in the open and have no sunglasses they will know you are a tourist and treat you accordingly.

Black girls standing by the roadside are not there as tourist advisers.