Picking a loser

Born Arnold George Dorsey and nicknamed Gerry, the reason for his change of name to that of a German opera composer is lost, thankfully, to history. Engelbert Humperdinck (he changed his name by deed poll) is Anglo-Indian, born in Madras. In the 1960s he was a hairy, open shirted crooner of unparalleled awfulness.

He is now 75 years old and has been selected to represent Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest.

Needless to suggest we are unlikely to win; I think we must study the strategy a little deeper. After we have limped through the litany of 'Royaume Uni - nul points' there will be a feeling of the inevitable. People will ask how we were supposed to win when represented by a hirsute old age pensioner who seemed outdated 50 years ago. It will take away some of the sting.

Incidentally it is for this reason that I don't believe Harry Redknapp is the right choice for England football manager. We need a foreigner, on whom we can blame our traditional and ineluctable first round loss to a team of the level of Azerbaijan or Burkina Faso. People will be reluctant to blame defeat on the charming, blokey, Redknapp. If there's a Frenchman out there with managerial qualities, he's our boy. Step forward Arsène Wenger.