Total Eclipse

I mentioned last year how, unable to afford to stage the Eurovision Song Contest if we were to win it, we opted for the safe choice of Engelbert Humperdinck, a septuagenarian, who did not let us down by coming 25th out of 26.

Our tip for the bottom this year is Welsh croaker Bonnie Tyler, whose last hits, Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding out for a Hero, were 30 years ago.

My forecast is that she won't achieve the dramatic low of Humperdinck but will do fairly..er..badly.