Eurovision

The Eurovision Song Contest final is tomorrow, and looks to be about as much fun as everything else with the prefix 'Euro'.

Spain has reportedly told its entrant Pastora Soler not to win, because the winner has to hold the next contest and Spain can't afford it.

The UK also can't afford it, but our solution is to field jowly septuagenarian crooner Engelbert Humperdink (formerly Arnold Dorsey).

Let's hope it works.