Buses. Some people have the courage to travel on Italian buses, and some may even be exhilarated by the kidney shaking, centrifugally lurching ride they offer. You are not one of them. If you must travel on a bus, you are expected to enter through the door marked ‘no entry’. Do not set yourself up for ridicule from your fellow passengers by buying and stamping a ticket. If you are fortunate enough to get a seat never give it up to someone less fortunate because this causes fights.
At the station: on some trains you have to book a seat, on others you don’t. Don’t expect the station staff to interrupt their busy day explaining. Don’t expect them to know which platform the train is leaving from, that’s your job. There is a timetable but you cannot have a copy because they have recently run out. Anyway why publish a timetable if the trains are going to be late?
Air Travel: flying Alitalia is regarded by some as a sport and by others as contributory negligence. You’re on holiday, so you’ve plenty of time to spare if the plane is late either taking off or landing. And what business is it of theirs where your baggage is?
Hire cars: the law requires you to carry the original document for the car at all times. The hire company will only give you a photocopy, so you are a criminal as soon as you set off. Don’t worry. Take a walk on the wild side. There are bigger horrors than this ahead of you.
Driving: Drive as the Italians do: repeat continuously ‘I am the only person on the road’. If you have an accident show equal outrage to the other party. The driver with the nicer car or more attractive girlfriend is innocent.
Michael Schumacher cuts corners, drives at high speed inches from the car in front, pulls sharply in front of other drivers, starts when the lights are red and doesn’t use indicators. Same with all good drivers.
All Italian cars are equipped with a handy mirror to get your hairstyle right while you are driving.
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