From our man in the Union Jack porkpie hat, accredited to the BBC (No. 31,428)
Prince William : I mean, like, if she won’t agree to obey why should I marry her? Who does obey me anyway?
Mr Middleton: We thought something small and simple, country church, egg sandwiches...
Prince Harry: Will there be enough to drink?
Tony Blair: I never wanted to go anyway
Syrian Ambassador: if Tony Blair isn’t going, I’m not
Gordon Brown: Eh, my government strongly promoted this marriage which is a victory for socialism and the policies... what do you mean, ‘not invited’?
Prince Harry: Hic!
Duke of Edinburgh: seems like an attractive filly, very nice ****
Her Majesty the Queen: to say how delighted we are that whoever he is will be married to whoever she is. I thought she had an annus horribilis..
Prince William: I mean, like, just incredible...
Princess Anne: don’t worry, William, marriage is only for a couple of years
Prince of Wales: She seems... organic, somehow
Duchess of Cornwall: Shut up you gaga old fool and finish your jelly
Foreign and Commonwealth Office: In view of recent disturbances in Berkshire Her Majesty’s Government feel that the presence of Miss K Middleton at the wedding ceremony would not be conducive to the public wellbeing...Bunty, have we got this right?