FIFA: the solution

It is hard to know what to do about football’s governing body FIFA. A couple of its leading members are accused of accepting bribes, and when an investigation began, led by The Guardian newspaper, out of pique they didn’t award the World Cup to England. Instead they awarded it to Qatar, an astonishing decision given the fact the World Cup takes place in the summer, when the heat in that country reaches 50C. Now, of the two people competing for the leadership, one is accused of being involved in bribery concerning that award, and the other is accused of being aware of bribery going on and doing nothing.

There is, obviously, too much money going round in the game, but there is nothing we are likely to be able to do about that. Also obviously, the nature of the Federation, with over 200 national associations, many in countries where there is a different attitude to our own on this sort of thing, cannot be changed.

The only solution is for more light to be cast on the proceedings. Now that  the British Press has got in amongst it, we need more papers, more TV channels, more bloggers to do so. We need to restore public confidence and that can only be done through openness. The ridiculous Mr Blatter’s position is untenable. There needs to be an undoubted, trusted emergency candidate.

I suggest myself. Naturally I know nobody who plays or watches football, right-thinking people regarding it as a game played by Nancy-boys and watched by thugs. Clearly I would need to live in an apartment or hotel in Zurich, perhaps near the banking district, my expenses defrayed and a modest 7- figure salary to make sure I was incorruptible.

For the award of the World Cup I would naturally only favour those countries which make the right sort of application, showing the appropriate...er...enthusiasm.